A Love Encounter

Barefoot in my living room – surrounded by chaos.  I’m half dressed for big day at work and spotted a rouge kid booger on my new blazer.  My husband left for an early morning conference and I found myself alone with our teething toddler, James.  I’m surrounded by what looked like a mad scientists’ work-space full of toys and experiments.  Wooden block towers that had been knocked over with incredible gusto and play-doh with monster trucks “stuck” in its grip. 

I’m thinking about the day ahead and the mountains I’m about to climb at work.  Thinking about the people who will need my help and wondering how I can best fight the bureaucracy to get the job done. The even more daunting thought, though, is how I’m going to break it to my toddler, again, that we can’t wear our rain boots to school and that teachers REALLY appreciate it when he wears pants. 

 

Ya’ll - I just needed Jesus.  You know that feeling…

 

I shouted over Caillou (and the impressively accurate siren noises coming from my two year old), “Hey, Alexa! Play Kim Walker Smith Radio!” The music started and I met Jesus right where I was.  Right. Where. I. Was.

 

One shoe on - one shoe off and half of a head of curls.  James shouted at me to stop singing.  (A new favorite thing of his to do). I just sang anyway. And I worshipped. And I swayed.  James was displeased when he realized that I was no longer pretending to be a buyer of his ice cream.  But I fought for my focus - for just that moment – and just continued to sing and meditate on Him.  And something amazing happened.

 

James grabbed his favorite stuffed doggie and snugged him into his chest.  He stood at my feet with outstretched arms – he wanted to be held.  He laid his head on my shoulder and we sang and swayed to the music together.  I raised my arm in worship and in thanksgiving and he watched intently.  He stayed with me in that moment and we danced in circles around the train tracks and building blocks.  

 

When the song ended, he grabbed my face and planted a big wet sloppy toddler kiss (with a side of oatmeal) right on my lips.  You guys - he felt the presence of the Lord!  He quieted his heart at just the right moment and he knew mommy was having a love encounter with Him.  And he stayed with me in that moment and joined me with the sweet innocence only possessed by a child.

As he scurried back to his ice cream truck business, I took in his little face.  Cheeks round and eyes so blue.  The “ice cream” was now melting in his imaginary world, so we had to rush off to grab a crane to save us.  As we searched for the crane, under pillows and inside of tents, I couldn’t help but to, again, notice the chaos.  But, in that moment, in the middle of THAT mess – we had a beautiful moment.

Everything does not have to be perfect in our lives to encounter God. I’ll write that again for my own good.  Everything does not have to be perfect in our lives to encounter God. 

 

See – I’m working on something with myself.  And here’s the confession: I’ve discovered that I’m sometimes (okay, most of the time) a black or white personality.  It is or it isn’t’.  It’s right or it’s wrong.  I’m going to do something or I’m not going to do something. There is no in between with me.

 

This trait has been helpful in my career –dealing with what’s fact and what’s fiction.  Deciding that I’m all in.  But, in my personal life – it just does not apply as successfully and maybe that’s you, too… I’m going to eat healthy or I’m going to eat junk.  I’m going to go on vacation to relax for a week or I’m not going on vacation at all.  I’m going to remodel this house from top to bottom or not at all. I’m going to do a full on Kim K face contour or I’m not going to do my makeup at all. I’m going to do my devotions every morning at 6am or not at all.

So, today, I’d like to give us permission to just meet Jesus right where we are.  To say, you know what – “This house IS a mess but I’m going to worship among these train tracks and stinky boy socks anyway.”  “Yes, I missed my 6AM alarm, but 7AM is a fine time to do my devotional today.”  To say, “This is not a carved out perfectly quiet little time of devotion – but it’s my time.”  Permission to say, “My life feels like a mess, but Jesus still loves me and he wants to meet me anywhere – anytime.” Kim K contour or not.

 

If you are anything like me, I hope that you will join me in giving permission to ourselves by saying: "It does not have to be black or white.  It CAN be full of all of the colors in between - and we CAN meet Jesus right where we are.”  And what an encounter it will be! 

 

Everything does not have to be perfect in our lives to encounter God.  

*Post by our blogger, Heather Duma

I thought I loved my Mother...

Guest post from someone I am so thankful to call my friend!  I've known Jamie for less than 5 years, but she (and her family) have become more than friends to me and my family, they have become family.  She has a heart that beats for Jesus and hands that heal (she's also the best massage therapists I know!).  I'm excited to share this from her tonight!

******************************

I thought I loved my Mother. Growing up a child of divorce, I was raised primarily by my mother from the time I was 2. We had an amazing relationship as I grew up, and I always felt that Mom was everything I needed: provider, protector, nurturer, and best friend...we always got along very well. (Sure, there was a span in my teen years when I was probably more difficult to get along with...but for the most part, we’ve been a great team!) I couldn’t have asked for a better woman to bring me up in this world.

So, I thought I loved my mother as much as I possibly could, but I’ve learned recently that I was wrong.

You see, a few months ago, I gave birth to my first baby. His name is Levi, and he is my world. I laugh about it sometimes: how much you simply love this new little person in your life, when all they seem to do is spit up on you, pee and poop on you, and steal every possible opportunity you could have to sleep or enjoy quiet...and all while you’re still wading through a sea of hormones and emotions. It really is a miracle sometimes! But isn’t that what love is? A miracle? If we look, we see it every day: between husbands and wives, parents and children, and God and His creations. You are loving someone who isn’t perfect, doesn’t always act nice toward you, or some days, doesn’t seem to show you that they like you at all...and yet, your heart has them tattooed in it’s very core. We so easily forget that we are sometimes on the other end of that deal: that we have at times been ungrateful, taken others’ love for granted, or neglected to show someone how much they mean to us. Of course, it’s almost never intentional, but people aren’t perfect, and that’s just how it is. Thankfully, our shortcomings serve a purpose: they help to highlight the very nature of love, because within love, the gift of grace is tucked just beneath the surface. Remember, it’s easy to love the easy to love! The real test is loving people when they seem unlovable. We may not be capable of perfect, unconditional love, the way that God is...but we should always strive for it anyway!

What is the closest we can get? I now understand that it is parental love. And believe me, I have had plenty of people to try to love in an unconditional way! My parents and family were first, friends, and then came my husband, for whom I am supremely grateful. He is an amazing man, the answer to a thousand prayers, and already a beautiful example of a father. I try every day to extend my best love to him, as well as my friends and family. But now....oh wow...this tiny human in our house has taken up such a big place in my heart, it’s overwhelming! I know that it will not be easy every day, but I have no doubt that I will love this boy with my whole heart every day of my life, no matter what. So this revelation, this new life of mine, has opened my eyes to something I’ve been missing my whole life: THIS is love. And THIS...is what my mother has felt for me every day of my life...and I’ve never been able to appreciate it until now.

I think back through my life, and although I think I was a pretty easy kid, there still had to be a million times when my mother was worried about me. I think of things that happened that she may never have even known about, and if I think of my child in those situations, my heart hurts! I think back through years of how hard she worked to single-handedly keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and even have a good bit of fun in between. It couldn’t have been easy...there were times I remember her working three jobs to make it all work. It occurred to me recently that we probably weren’t very wealthy...but I never would’ve known it: I grew up so happy, healthy, and surrounded by everything I needed. God certainly made sure that I was fully provided for, and He did it all in one amazing woman. Now that I know what it feels like to love me the way she does, maybe I can love her the with the capacity she deserved all these years. The words aren’t enough: “Thank you.” “I appreciate you.” “I love you.” They’re certainly true, and always have been. But now, the weight in their meanings are so much more, and the words themselves seem too small...so hopefully, as she continues to love me as she always has, she will understand that they are now so much more...because she is and always has been loving me in that exact way: so much more!

My whole life, my mother has been my prime example of how to love people. Let me tell you, she’s done a great job: she is one of the most selfless, compassionate people I’ve ever known. Now that I have a baby of my own, I can look back and easily see the “more” that she has offered to me, as well as my cousins, our family, and friends and neighbors. She has loved like a mother, and although I was always the main recipient, she certainly offered that love to others too. If we imagine that love, multiplied by infinity, we can kind of understand how God loves us....and how He expects us to try to love each other. We were made in his image, and He commands us to love others as He has loved us (John 13:34.) So today, and every day, remember how a mother loves, how our Father loves, and do the same! Love like a mother. (And don’t forget to thank YOUR mother!)

Back to It

I know, I know...it's been over a month since we posted any blogs.
But you know what?!
That's just how life gets sometimes.

Here's the good news!!
It's a new month and there's lots to share!

This month, the focus is on Mom's and I'd love for you to share some of your favorite memories of your mom OR if you are a mom, some of your best moments being a mom, photo's, etc...


We'll be sharing it all...the good, the bad, the hard times, and the best times!  Please message me or leave a comment if you'd like to share!

We are in this together my friends!

It's EPIC!

July 2015 -After much thought and a lot of prayer, I made one HUGE decision...and it sure wasn't an easy one, let me tell you! After an amazing 5+ years working in Radiation Oncology at PRMC's Cancer Center, I accepted an IT analyst position (within the hospital) as part of the EPIC team.  When this opportunity presented itself, I remember praying that God would put me where I could be used BEST and here I am, a year and 8 months later, steady trying to make Him proud!

August 2015 - January 2016 - I traveled multiple times to Wisconsin, completed more projects, and took more exams in that 5 month time frame than I EVER want to do again!  Well, the travel and projects weren't too bad, but those exams...definitely NOT my thing!  However, I DID IT!!!  I became certified in 3 applications - EpicCare Ambulatory, MyChart, and Care Everywhere!

January - October 2016 - All of our applications (there are many) worked within their teams to build the system.  For my team, the Ambulatory team - that meant countless hours dedicated to meetings with management, physicians, supervisors; our end users... Gathering as much info as we could to build the system as user friendly as we could for them.

To say this took teamwork is an understatement.
We quickly learned who was good at what.  If that makes any sense?!
Build and then test. Rebuild and test again.  A constant cycle!
And we rocked it out!


November 1, 2016 - We went LIVE!!!
I can still remember the email that was sent early that morning from our management stating, and I quote, "As of 05:29 a.m. on November 1^st, 2016 , Peninsula Regional Health System is live on the EPIC EMR system.   Thanks to all for the hard work that led us to this point and for the great team work that will carry us through the activation phase."

I think I might have even shed a little tear.
Like, I thought to myself, I was a part of this!!!

Teamwork.
We definitely were better together!

Long days.
Very long days.
Some applications had to cover 24 hour shifts.
A Command Center that was filled with workstations for every application where tickets were steady being addressed.

An intense time as we changed the workflow for everyone within our system...on the same day, what they considered a Big Bang!!!
And as expected, we had things that needed to be fixed and rebuilt, but for the most part, after the first three weeks, the majority of our departments were running without the need of consistent on hand support. 

And in the months that have followed, we have worked on making the system work even better for our end users!  As I mentioned, this is a constant cycle as needs are always changing...and in the midst of that, we also get system updates which also require build, testing, and training!

Tomorrow, April 3, 2017, we will bring our first Community Connect office live on the EPIC system!!!  The idea behind this being one patient, one chart!  And the hope that in the near future, more local physician offices will join to help provide our patients in the local community the best care possible - allowing the end user access to all the patients information in one electronic chart!

My Ambulatory team has been working directly with our Community Connect office and to once again say we've been busy is an understatement! I was reminded how much I don't love 12 hr work days this past week! That being said, we have a fantastic team of analysts who have truly prepared as best we can for a successful implementation!

I've learned in my time as an analyst that I am NOT the best analyst.
The build I was responsible for didn't always come easy.  And I have learned to simply say, "Treat me like I'm dumb...and break it down for a sister!"
I've learned that I am good being the communicator - finding out what isn't working or what is needed and passing that on to our analysts to build.  I do help, don't get me wrong, I just know where my strengths are. 
I'm good at keeping it together when it seems to be falling apart AND always ready with a good word for the day!

We have another Jenny within our group and they refer to us as "The Jenny's" - we work really well together...we're better together!!!  I joke that she's my other half - that if one of us can't figure it out, you'll hear us say, "Let's ask the other Jenny!"  I'm thankful for her!

We are a team of 13!  Within that 13 is 1 male...and God bless him, he handles it really well!  There are 2 other dedicated ambulatory analysts and we have 3 trainers we have to help us, and analysts that work more on our Beacon application that help us, too!

We are a small family!  Since August 2015, many of us have had a lot going on in our personal lives...but like any family, our team pulls together to help however we can!

I may not always know what I'm doing, and if I'm being honest, often question if I made the right decision, but it's projects like these, where multiple applications work together for one end goal...Well, it makes me feel proud of what we do!

And reminds me that we ARE better together!

xox,
Jenny

On the other sides of the wall...

So, yesterday, I had to have a liver biopsy.

Fun times.
Minus the fun.

 
Left me first say - I'm totally ok!
Long story short, I've just had consistent abnormal liver function tests for the past year.  I've been on meds, I've been on vitamins and probiotics, I've even tried Plexus and ItWorks.  For those who don't know me well, my body just likes to work against me and I'm more than sure this is all it is.  However, since I'm not an alcohol consumer or drug abuser, and have no reason for these to be more than doubled what they should be, my physicians just wanted to get a better look at the actual tissue to see what is going on.

So biopsy it was!
And in all honesty, I made out fine.  Not a procedure I want to have to have again, but I would just consider it "uncomfortable."  The worst part for me was the actual numbing process.

Or the 5 minutes I thought I might meet Jesus!

Apparently, my liver spasm'd out on me about 30 minutes after my procedure when I was back in ORU.  I made out so well with the procedure (the radiologist said that the ladies told him I had a high pain tolerance and he said he'd have to agree :) ) I only had to stay an hour for observation...I felt totally fine, very tight in my chest/upper abdomen area, but they said that was normal...so I was just chilling and sipping on my ginger ale.  Phil had come back and we were passing time watching "Let's Make a Deal."  About 30 minutes into my hour, I looked at Phil and told him I was feeling something that just didn't feel right...but I didn't want him to say anything because I didn't want any pain meds.  Again, for those who don't know me well...Jenny doesn't do pain meds well.  At all.  But he grabbed the nurse and by that time, I said I was probably at a 5 and she said she really wanted to give me some meds and while I was trying to explain that I could probably wait, the pain skyrocketed to a 10+++, my heart rate went above 160 and my bp to 159/145.  Go figure, just 30 minutes til I could get out of there and my body decides to say, "Sike!!!  You need to stay longer."  Worst pain I've EVER experienced in my life!  The nurse called the radiologist because she wanted him to check on me and went to get the meds, which at that point I was agreeable to.  Another nurse came to check my bp and handed me a pillow to press against where I was having pain.  And I'm not kidding, just as fast as the pain came on, it subsided.  And I was fine.  My bp went back to normal and my heart rate to my normal.  I didn't want to take the meds, because I knew how I was going to feel on them...but they really wanted something in my system in case that happened again.

So, she kindly crushed the pill and put it in pudding for me.
Because I can't swallow pills.  (well, it's more like it's in my head, but well, you know....) 
These nurses were so good to me!

Side note:
I spent all day trying to get one (1) pain pill out of my system.
I felt nauseous.
I didn't feel right in my head.
I just wanted to sleep.

As I was being discharged (on time because I really was ok), one of the nurses who was caring for me was wheeling me out to Phil's truck and said, "I just want to say - You really handled that like a pro..."  Little did he know that I legit thought I might die for about 5 minutes.

But it's all good.
Phil got me home and I just rested all day!
And, really, I'm just a little sore where they actually pushed the needle through.  

I can't say enough good things about the care team in ORU and the ones with me during the procedure...I totally felt like I was being cared for by the best!

But this wasn't supposed to be about me...I just know people have been asking about what's going on, so I wanted to share so you can continue to pray that I get back GOOD results and something that can explain what's going on!

Once I was up and had something to eat last night, I got to thinking about something I observed during my time waiting yesterday and wanted to share...

The guy in the room to my left was apparently there to have his port removed. And you can't​ help but overhear conversations...So when the nurse that was assisting with his procedure came to get him and review what they would be doing, the patient said he wanted his port out because he was "done" with chemo and quite frankly just didn't want treatment anymore. But he was confident in his decision and in a happy mood. As the nurse started to move his stretcher, asking if he was warm enough/needed more blankets, the patient asked if he was going to end up in the basement today?! (Meaning the morgue) It took the nurse a few to understand what he was implying but then quickly said, "You mean the cold place? Well Sir, I certainly hope not!" And the patient laughed and said "I guess I don't need them then, huh..."

Meanwhile...The lady to my right was in a foul mood. They were obviously having a hard time getting her IV started...She was loud and kept insisting she knew her body better than them and wanted to tell them how to do the IV. She was a nurse and how dare they not listen to her. They brought in the IV queen (who is super sweet) and this patient kept with the negative attitude, insistent that new nurse wasn't going to get it either and she just wanted to go home. Within 5 minutes the nurse got the IV in with not a word of thanks from the patient.

I thought about both of them.. Not knowing either one of them and only getting a glimpse of their day, I could tell both of them had stories.

But you know what else I noticed...The guy to my left had someone with him. The lady to my right was alone. And I wondered if she was alone in general.

And I was reminded how we're better together!

Maybe if she had had someone there to simply be there, she would have been in a more pleasant mood.

Maybe not.

But I silently said a prayer that she feel comforted in the midst of whatever was going on.

Because here I was, a little anxious for the biopsy I was about to have, but confident in the fact I knew I was being covered in prayer...By so many!  (and let's just add in the fact that my hubby posted a not so lovely photo of me in a hospital gown, on a stretcher, waiting to get my iv started...that more people than I imagined saw...)
If nothing else, I knew I was being prayed for and I appreciated it so very much!!!

I say it all the time, but we need​ people in our lives, friends!!
We really are Better Together!

xox,
Jenny

The Reason for my "WHY"

**Guest Blogger: Kelsy Haugh**

I have known of Jesus my entire life.  I was introduced to the idea of Him at a very young age. I went to church every Sunday growing up, I attended Christian school for much of my life- I knew a lot about this Jesus guy. I knew a lot “about” Him. But I didn’t know Him.

This Sunday at church, my pastor spoke about “the why to your worship”.  Explaining that some people may look at our worship, our relationship with Jesus, and not understand it.  And that’s ok. They may have met Jesus in a different stage of their life, they may have fought through different battles, lived through different heart aches.  So their worship may look different than ours.  He went on to explain that we can fully love, fully serve, fully surrender, fully worship, when we understand the “why” behind our worship.

I have listened to that sermon three times since Sunday morning (and it’s Monday afternoon), each time replaying my life over and over in my mind, trying to establish exactly what the “why” is behind my worship.  And I think I’ve finally figured it out- I have several “why’s”. 

Let’s go back to me at a young, fragile, vulnerable, 21.  I was the mom to a three year old, I was a student finishing up my bachelor’s degree, and I was a brand new fiance to a guy that i was head over heels in love with.  My life was on the fast track to being exactly what I had envisioned that it would be.  I was having success in my personal life, in my love life, and in my mom life.  Life was good.  But shew, life can turn quick, can’t it??

I can vividly remember every single detail of the day that would flip my life completely upside down.
Every. Single. Detail.

I saw an incoming call from Daniel, I sat on the edge of my bed and answered the phone, expecting a “Hey, babe! How’s your day?”.  But the second he said “hello” I immediately knew that this was not a normal phone call.  He told me that he would be leaving at the beginning of the following week for a year long rehab.

Rehab?  Wait.  For what?  A YEAR??  What was happening?  What did this mean for Daniel?  What did this mean for me?  What did this mean for us?

The moments leading up to him actually leaving for rehab are somewhat a blur.  We cried.  We cried so many tears.  We talked about our plan, we talked about our future, we talked I was oblivious.  Clueless.  Naive.  All of it.

Daniel had been abusing prescription pain medicine for a year and I had no clue.
I had no clue the deep emotional hurt that haunted him every day of his life.  I had no clue what a tainted relationship with a parent can do to a person as an adult.  I had no clue what I was in for in that season, or what I was in for in the seasons to come in regards to addiction and mental health.  But what I did know, the only person who was going to help me get through that current season was the Jesus that I knew so much about, but had not yet been personally introduced to.

Daniel went to Teen Challenge for a year.  Over the course of the year we wrote letters on occasion, talked on the phone maybe ten times, and saw each other four times.  FOUR times in a year.  I journaled, I prayed (and prayed and prayed and prayed), I cried, I fasted, but most importantly - I found Jesus.  I found a Comforter, a Provider, an Abba Father.  I finally found the Jesus that I had learned so much about.  When I look back over that year of Daniel being gone, and all of our growth individually, as partners, and as Christians, all I can do is thank Jesus for His perfect peace that transcends all understanding.

So, when I roll down the windows in my van, lift my hands to Heaven, and sing: 
“Hold me, Jesus, I’m shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory, won’t you be my Prince of Peace.” 
I can truly sing those lyrics from a heart that understands.  A heart that understands needing a peace that only Jesus can bring.  A heart that understands that in true “rock bottom” moments,  Jesus is all that we have. 

Having lived that year of hell, I truly found a “why” for my worship.  

Fast forward a couple of years.  Dan and I were married.  We had two children at this point.  I had just started nursing school and Dan had become successful at his job.  The days of Teen Challenge and addiction seemed to be far behind us. We were moving on, and moving up.

Or so I thought.

Addiction and mental health may need to be their own post, because, shew! They are heavy topics! 
Addiction & Mental illness are real.  They are real in our community.  They are real in our schools.  They are real in our homes.  And they are real in our churches.  As christians I think we, far too often, shy away from these topics.  But they are real, yall!

And, unfortunately, they were real in my own home.  So much of my story is Daniel’s story, and so much of it is not my story to tell, but thank God he values transparency as much as I do. (Please know that he has read this and agrees to me sharing whatever is written here).

I remember the first time I saw “the other Daniel” come out.  I remember looking at him in the face and his eyes were glazed over.  He was looking at me, but he wasn’t looking at me.  He was not here with me, he was somewhere else.  And I was terrified.  He yelled, he screamed obscenities, he threw things.  He could not be reasoned with.  He could not be talked to. It’s almost like he wasn’t even there.  And then, as quickly as it started, it ended.  He cried.  I cried.  He apologized.  We talked about what had happened.  And we moved on.

Or so I thought.

I’d like to say that his apology was sincere, and that it never happened again.  But that would be a lie.  It actually got worse.  Way worse.  The “crazy”, the tears, the apology- a constant cycle that consumed our lives for several months.  In the midst of what I would consider the peak of Daniel’s battle with an addiction triggered mental illness (I totally made that diagnosis up), I found out that I was pregnant with our third child.

I was devastated. We could NOT bring another child into the world during that season.  I could barely stay afloat with my other responsibilities and struggles.  I had no clue what the future looked like for Daniel and I.  For my family.  We were in NO place to have another child.

So I did the most selfish thing that I could possibly do, that I convinced myself in my mind was the most unselfish thing that I could do.  I pushed down all of my emotions, all of my fears, all of my guilt, and I walked myself into Planned Parenthood with every intention of terminating my pregnancy.  “This is the best option for this child, and for your family”, “you cannot have any more children with this man”- these are the thoughts that I allowed myself to entertain, in hopes of justifying what could have been the worst decision that I have ever made.

I sat in that cold, dark place all by myself.
I cried.
I prayed.
I reasoned with Jesus as He softly and gently put Bible verses in my heart.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  

Psalm 139: 13-14  

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

 2 Corinthians 12:8

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.”  

Jeremiah 29:11

The days following that day were dark, and lonely, and cold. And filled with so many details that I am not fully ready to disclose in this blog.
BUT my Jesus is so faithful.  He was faithful in my pregnancy - My sweet Carrigan Juliet was born 8 months later.  She was the most beautiful baby that my eyes had ever seen (tied with her older sister and brother of course).

And he was faithful in my marriage.  We are so far from perfect, still.  But I have learned so much about mental illness, and the role that I play in it.  And Dan has worked so hard on himself.  Therapy, medicine, and a whole lot of prayer - sometimes I think I am married to a totally different man.

As I sit at my kitchen table, writing out a season of my life that is still SO raw to me, I can truly say that I have experienced the faithfulness of Jesus.  I know it.  I understand it.  I get it.  I have lived it.  And because of that, as the lyrics, “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain” come blaring from my Pandora, I can authentically worship.  Hands raised, tears streaming, worship.

Having lived that season of despair, I found another “why” for my worship.

Everyone has their “person”.  Someone they jive with immediately.  A relationship that takes zero effort.  No awkward silences.  No weird phases.  Just easy, natural, immediate bonding.

My person was Tiffany.
She was my confidant.  She was my protector.  She was my favorite friend.
She was my person. 

Earlier this year Tiffany died.
Out of nowhere.
She wasn’t dying.  She wasn’t sick.  She wasn’t supposed to die.
She went to the emergency room in the morning and was dead by that night.
My earth shook.  My world stopped spinning.  Heartbroken really doesn’t even touch it.  I spent countless hours in tears.
Why?  Why her?  Why now?
She has young kids.  She has a husband.  She has an entire life ahead of her.
This isn’t fair!

A few months after Tiffany’s death my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Really, God?  Are we doing this right now?  This is cute.  I’m still spending half of my day crying and praying over my lost friend, and now is when you want to throw this cancer diagnosis at me?  Great.  Thanks.  Appreciate it.

The next couple months were filled with tests, scans, further diagnoses, hospitalizations, complications, treatments, and a whole lot of prayers.

And where was I during all of this?  Well, I was there with my mom - partly.  But partly I was sulking in a corner feeling bad for myself.  2016 was not shaping up to be a good year for me, and I wanted Jesus to know exactly how I felt about it.  I enjoyed a couple weeks of self-pity, thinking that I truly had it harder than anyone else around me.  Convincing myself that I was on a direct path to a huge blessing - because surely I deserved it after the year I’d had!

I remember driving around Salisbury, crying out to Jesus to show Himself to me, when this song came on the radio,

“I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that i’ve designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye
When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make you so small
When you’re the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?”

And as I belted out these lyrics, truly believing them, and truly trusting Jesus to continue to be the King of my world, I realized that is exactly what genuine worship is.

Having lived through those moments of grief, I found another “why” for my worship.  

This whole post may seem kind of terrible, and dark, and sad. But yall, I have lived through SO many blessings.  I have experienced so much joy, so much triumph, so much happiness.  I step back and look at my life and think, “Thank you, Jesus!” - more times than I can count. 
Jesus has been SO good to me, and I am SO grateful.

I have a husband who loves me. He supports me in every decision that I make and truly is my biggest fan.  He is dedicated to our family, and continues to prove daily that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to be healthy for us.  I have three beautiful children.  And while they are all beautiful on the outside, too (I may be a tad biased, though), they are beautiful on the inside.  They are caring, they are compassionate, and they love Jesus.  And I am SO thankful that they are mine.  I have a family who means everything to me.  I have such a beautiful tribe.  Friends that support me in my victories, and encourage me in my weak moments.  Friends that lift me up, but are willing to call me out on my crap.  Jesus hand-picked them for me, and they are the best!  I have a career that I genuinely enjoy, with people that are like my family.

I could go on for days on the ways that Jesus has blessed my life.  But when I step back and truly look at these past twenty-eight years, the thing that I am most grateful for is that I have personally met Jesus.  I know Him intimately and personally.  I have a day-in and day-out relationship with Him.  I no longer just know about Him.  I know Him.  I know that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  I know that He was the same Jesus when my life was crumbling, as He is when my life is sailing.  He is near in my dark moments, and He is near in my greatest joys.  He is fighting for me.  He is loving me.  He is delighting in me.  Always.

So, as I sit here reflecting on my life; my year of hell, my season of despair, my moments of grief, and my times of pure joy, I can sing these lyrics and mean them.

“What a beautiful name it is
What a beautiful name it is
The name of Jesus Christ my King
What a beautiful name it is
Nothing compares to this
What a beautiful name it is
The name of Jesus”  

 

Having lived a life full of so much joy, I have personally found yet another “why” to my worship.  

I don’t know what your life looks like.  I don’t know your story.  Your ups, your downs, your highs, your lows.  But what I do know is that when life is rough, and times are hard, and you meet Jesus in a real way - then, and only then, will you find the “why” behind your worship.

And your life will be forever changed.

 

 

Whose Got You?

"You don't need someone who has your back, you need someone who has your front.  Someone willing to go ahead of you and fight for you." -Lisa Wilgus

I heard this quote just last week and immediately thought to myself, "Now that's a good word right there."

And I've been thinking about it all week.
Like really thinking about it.

And I've come to this conclusion:

As a woman, especially, I think you need both.
For the men who read this...I'm definitely not excluding you, but I just know there's something special about lady friendships!

Someone who has your front.
Someone willing to go ahead of you and fight for you.

This instantly took me back to my school days...
Let me introduce you to my friend, Tanchanika.

Tan and I grew up in the same little town and went to school together; Kindergarten to Graduation!  And if there is one thing I am confident of, even to this day, it's that Tan had my front.
I was as small as she was big.
I often wonder if maybe that's what connected us?!
Because, no doubt, Tan and I had a bond.
We still do.  (Although now just connected via Facebook)

But for real, Tan had my front.
I think she took it as her personal mission to be my bodyguard.
She wouldn't (and didn't) let anyone pick on me because of my size.

Ever.

And I don't even know if she knew, but on the opposite side, I had hers.
As I said, I was as small as she was big...and where I couldn't beat anyone up on her behalf, I would surely make it known that she was more than "her size."

But I gotta give a shout out to my girl because she is even better today than 20 + years ago in school.  She is taking care of herself and looking fabulous!

We've both had a lot of haters over our years.
I still struggle with why people have to be so cruel when it comes to body size/image.
But, can I tell you how it felt as a child, tween, teen to know this girl had my front?

Well, there really aren't words.
It's just an amazing feeling, that's for sure.
We need people in our life willing to go ahead of us.

Think about it...
Do you have those kind of people in your life?
Are you that kind of person for someone in your life?

Because if not, maybe you can have their back.

Someone who is there to help carry the load when things just become too much.

And let's just be honest...I think there comes a time in each of our lives when things can just seem a bit overwhelming, right?!
And those are the times we need people who have our back.

Those friends who walk in when it seems like everyone else is walking out.
Those friends who take off what they can of the load you are carrying and let you know they are going to walk with you...they aren't going to let it weigh you down.

I actually would consider myself to have a lot of "friends."  And  I think that's because I've always been able to get in where I fit in with a variety of crowds.  But if I'm being honest, when I think about the ones who have my back, those who say it and mean it, well those are my "people" ... if you know what I mean... and I can probably count those on these small hands of mine.

And I'm ok with this.

Because these are the friends I can simply text and say please pray for me today.
Those friends I can bare it all to and they listen, simply listen.
My confidants.

I think when you're going through those tough times in your life, it's then that you will find who has your back!

Here's the deal - some people aren't going to stay in your life forever.  And this is often a hard lesson to learn.  But what I've learned over the years is that you will always have the people you need in your life.


Maybe, like me, when stopping to really think about this, you're already thinking about these people who have your front or back...or maybe, like me, you're even finding that you have some extra special people in your life who have BOTH!

Many times that's your family. Your brothers and/or sisters.  Or your girlfriend or boyfriend.  Your spouse. Your best friend.  Maybe it's your neighbor, a coworker, a teacher, or even a coach.

Do yourself a favor - when these people come to your mind right now, take a minute to thank them for being such an important part of your life.  A quick text or phone call.  An email or note in the mail.  I promise, it'll mean more than you know to the one on the receiving end!

And, if you're that person for someone - make sure to remind them from time to time that they have a friend in you...that you've got their front... that you've got their back!

And because I'm me...I do want to remind those reading who are maybe feeling like they don't have anyone who has their front or back - that you do!!!  God has BOTH! I want to remind you that there is not a place you have been or are going that He hasn't already been.  Remember that!  We are never alone, no matter the journey!

Friends, we are SO much better together!

xox,
Jenny