You Have Met Your Match

As I listened to an online message this morning from Steven Furtick with Elevation Church, a few things hit home...and I thought someone else needed to hear this, too.

  

I promise, I think it's worth the read!

 Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  

(Joshua 1:6-9)

Three Times!

Three times we hear God speaking to Joshua.  

Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS!  

And He just didn't tell him what to do (be strong and courageous) but He told him HOW to do it.  He told him to keep the Book Of Law on his lips and meditate on it day and night.  

Here's what I think we can take away from this passage:

*  What comes against us can be used as a weapon to fight for us when we place it in God's hands.  Our fears, insecurities, anxieties, etc...instead of holding on tight to them and allowing us to NOT fulfill our purpose, let's give them back to God, tell Him He can have them and work them for our good!!!

*  God's presence is guaranteed.  He tells us, "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go..."  We're not alone in our battles.  [We're Better Together]  God's presence is guaranteed, it's not conditional, BUT His promises are up to us.

*  Just because we "feel" afraid doesn't mean we need to "be" afraid.  God has given each one of us a purpose.  The bigger the purpose, the bigger the enemies.  And do you know what the real enemies are?!?  It's not people, things, money....it's our own fear and discouragement.  So often what we are talking ourselves out of, God is trying to bring us into.  STOP talking yourself out of it...START talking yourself INTO it!

God is with us.

With Him, we've met our match.

Any excuse you can give him, He'll come back with a reason why you CAN do it.  

Don't let your fear, your own discouragement, keep you from your future.

No one can talk you into your purpose but YOU!!!

God is with YOU!

Sometimes it's easy for us to put people in "their place."

Well, sometimes, we need to put our own self into place.

Start speaking LIFE to yourself!

I'm being for real.

Wake up in the morning and claim you're going to have a great day!

Tell yourself what you need to hear.

Find scriptures that speak to you and what you have been called to do and memorize them.

Write them down and put them in places where you can see them and read them all the time. 

Surround yourself with people who will build you up and encourage you to pursue your purpose.

God's spoken His promises to us - now we need to speak it to our own self!!!

It's easy to encourage others, or at least it is for me.

It's not always easy to encourage our own self.  

We often feel like we just aren't enough...not good enough.

Let me remind you what I was reminded this morning,

"Christ is in me - I AM ENOUGH!"

 

Three times God told Joshua to be strong and courageous! 

He must have needed that reminder, you think?!?

So get up in the morning and say, out loud, "Christ is in Me!  I am Enough!"

Say it three times if you need to!

You need a phrase to fight the devil with.  

Something you can keep on repeat when thoughts of doubt and insecurity want to creep in your mind.

God is with YOU!

Just as He was with Joshua.

We don't need to be afraid or discouraged.

We can be strong and courageous!!!

Because He is with us wherever we go!

You've met your match with God.

He's promised to be with us wherever we go, because, I'd like to think, He thinks we're better together, too!!!

 

You Do What You Gotta Do...

This is my father in law.
Pop.

I've been thinking about him, and praying for him, a lot, even more so since we got to spend some time with him just a few weeks ago.

A few days after Thanksgiving, 2014, he was getting ready to set sail on a cruise with his wife, Rita, when he started not feeling well.  Long story short...the ship doctor wouldn't clear him to sail and told him he needed to go to the ER, they thought maybe he was having a gallbladder attack.

December 1, 2014.

Cancer.
Colon metastatic to his liver.

Yes, he had had routine colonoscopies done...and yet, here he was.

Blood work.
Biopsies.
Surgeries.
Chemo.
Radiation.
Pet Scans.
MRI's.
Oncologists.

Welcome to the World of Cancer.

19 months into this...and let me tell you what I've learned by listening to him and our family talk about his treatment thus far.

Pop simply has this "you do what you gotta do" mentality.

He looks great!   He's lost weight, of course, but he's now maintaining...
He drinks tons of water everyday, cut out sugar that he could control, so no sweets/soda, only eats red meat once a month, and eats a lot of turkey.  He told me that if he ate any more turkey he was going to sprout feathers.

Seriously, up until the last week in June, he was still golfing weekly.  Unfortunately, he had his first crazy reaction to chemo that week and it just left him feeling very miserable.  

And, where I cannot speak from experience, but from working with cancer patients for over 5 years, I can tell you - to go 19 months with no crazy reactions...it's just unbelievable.  I've seen patients with the same diagnosis/treatment as him and let me just tell you, no one...not one patient, even comes close to how Pop is doing...

He simply amazes me!

The strength of Pop - well, to be honest, it's overwhelming.
Like I said, I have been around many cancer patients and there are few who truly stand strong thru such a rigorous and intense treatment regimen.

And yet - he is steady pushing thru.

I think much of that has to do with the "Harsin" family.
My goodness - I am so blessed to be a part of them.

 

Harry and Rita.
Phil's brothers and sisters - Harry, Stephen, Carolyn, Jon, and Andrew.
And all the extended family that comes with them...

There is so much love.

Since I've known Phil, he and Pop didn't have what I would call a "close" relationship and that was hard for me.  I didn't doubt that he loved his dad, there were just walls Phil had built, partly from experiencing the divorce of his parents at a young age, and partly because he just didn't know "both sides" of the story...

And for years, I have prayed that their relationship would be restored.

Well, God is good!
On July 4th, Phil and Pop talked for hours.
And I mean hours!

Phil was able to just unload and share things with Pop that he had been holding in for all these years.  And his Dad was able to share things with him that Phil needed to hear.

The love I saw in both of their eyes after that talk - I just cannot explain.
It was my most favorite moment from our vacation - a moment I will never forget.

What a reminder for us all.
We think we "know" the story.
BUT...there is always two sides.
Let me tell you this, I don't think it was easy for either one of them to start the conversation that afternoon, but oh goodness, I'm so glad they did.

Healing.

And now, we continue to pray for physical healing.

Phil's dad has had a little setback since we were there just a few weeks ago.
Chemo was put on hold due to scan results and he has started to retain fluid in his abdomen, to the point the fluid needed to be drained.

He had a MRI today to get a closer look at what's going on and has an appointment tomorrow with the oncologist.

PLEASE join me in praying for Pop (Harry).  Please stand in the gap for our family.
I know you all don't know him personally, but many of you reading this know us.

Pray for healing of his body.
For the cancer to be GONE!
For the fluid retention to subside.
For continued strength.

I so wish we lived closer.
I wish I could be of help to Rita.
Caregivers are SO very important when a patient has a cancer diagnosis.
They are the unsung hero's...keeping it together on the outside, while internally they are falling to pieces.

And Rita - she has been there and been involved with every aspect of his care.
He was joking with me about how many times a day he's asked by her if he's drinking his water.
I know she is overwhelmed and scared and just taking it one day at a time, but she is taking care of the one she loves and she's doing a fabulous job. 

And my sis in law, Carolyn - she has just moved to the same area as Pop and is about a 10 minute drive away now as opposed to a 3 hour drive!  I know she's also been a HUGE help with simply "being there"...to simply love on her dad or to help attend appointments or being a sounding board...

We talked about the wonderful team of nurses and doctors Pop has at the Cancer Center where he is being treated, and the care he is receiving there...but it doesn't go unnoticed how this family has just come together.  I know when any of Phil's brothers/sis in laws are there - they are totally focused on Pop and how they can help. 

This family...I simply love them.

I love how, even though they don't see each other all the time, when they are together, it's like they get together all the time.

I love how they stand together in the good times...and the not so good times.

I hate cancer.
I truly hate cancer.

But I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that miracles still happen! 

And until that happens - You Do What You Gotta Do...

Where are the Miracles?

Let me introduce you to my friend, Julie!  

Julie was another speaker at the Women's Conference I attended and what a testimony she has!  Before she spoke, the song, Cry Out To Jesus, was played.  You can listen to that HERE!  Her words will touch you deeply...and a reminder that we truly are better together!

*****

Good Morning Ladies! Before I start I need to address two very important things.  First, I’m not remotely qualified to be in front of you today and secondly the fact that I am in front of you is a miracle in itself so bear with me!

Before I get too far in my story let’s take a moment and talk about the song that was just played,  “Cry out to Jesus”.

I want everyone to stand up and while I ask a few questions, and please remember that we are all here for a reason and that this is a safe place to just be free and let it all go!!

Ok let’s start; remember please only sit once I’ve read them all IF none of these questions apply to you personally in some way!

Who has lost someone the love long before it was there time?

Who has a marriage that is struggling to just hang on?

Who has burdens and chains?

Who is widow that suffers from being alone?

Who has felt like the world is falling on you?

Who has struggled with the chains of addiction?

Who knows children or has even been one who had no safe place or is without a home?

I'm okay with telling you that 6 of them apply to me all and that’s why I am here!

Thank you ladies please look around before you sit down!!

We are definitely in the right place this weekend and it should be a wonderful feeling to know that we aren’t alone and it’s more important for us to love each other and encourage each other, not talk about each other and rip each other apart!! Let’s remember that most importantly in all those situations that I just read and I’m sure there are many more situations that I didn’t mention…But as the song stated… Remember there is GRACE and Forgiveness, Mercy and HEALING that will meet you wherever you are!!! Just like the song said “Cry out to Jesus”

On July 17th 2012 my life changed forever, and I will never be the same person I was prior to that day... some of that is good and some has been not so good!  Each and every day since that day has been a struggle to even function with daily responsibilities of life.  I have had many days where staying in bed and just wallowing in my sorrow would be a far better option than trying to pull myself together and get through the day, Especially when the days are left with fear, anxiety and helplessness.  

My husband and I didn’t have a perfect marriage, matter a fact just before my world was forever changed the “D” word was starting to be used! We had a blended family and regardless of how much you love each other that presented its own problems on its own! We both worked full time and were busy all the time and the reality was our marriage was suffering greatly and other problems where creeping in!

Now let me stop for a second a stress something that is very important to know if you don’t know this already, just because you are a Christian and love the lord DOES NOT MEAN YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE!!! Which I truly thought that was how marriage would be, you would still have disagreements here and there but that’s normal! I grew up in church and I never saw “unhappy married people there” well now I know why!  Now I know that Christian married couples argue on the way to church and once they open the car door they instantly put their Sunday face and Sunday marriage on and it is in full swing!  Life is great and you wouldn’t dream of saying otherwise, I mean what would people say? Well I can answer that question they would say, oh honey I know just what you are going through or they could relate to some degree!! Looking back I wished I had been more honest instead of letting pride and shame take over!

My husband and I married in 2005 and in 2008 had our own daughter together! As I mentioned earlier we had our share of problems but we always tried to fix them, but by 2012 things were piling up and our marriage was truly being neglected.  We had some very unfortunate things taken place and wounds were getting deeper. I had given up and felt like this would never get better, the love we had was slowly diminishing and bitterness and resentment were getting stronger! We loved each other but we weren’t in love, we were a players on a different team and there were no winners!  We were married and this was all it would be the rest of my life unless we did the “D” word!! My poor mother heard me cry and cry so many times about what to do I was stuck and miserable!! But I didn’t want to really give up!! 

 Sadly on July 17, 2012 God did the unthinkable. My husband was having some speech problems for about a week, and if you knew my husband he was very intelligent and for him to not remember certain words and not be able to say them meant we had a problem.  From that we went to him dragging his right leg every so often.  He went to the hospital where they did some testing and ruled out a stroke! They decided to do a MRI and they found a mass on his brain!! I’ll never forget that phone call from the hospital, simply asking me to get to the hospital they needed to speak to me.  I was so afraid that I kept asking them tell me what’s wrong tell me what’s wrong, then I was told they found a mass on his brain.  Now just so we all know I wanted to be there when my husband went to the emergency room that night but he refused to allow me go and just keep saying he was fine and that I should get some sleep because it was late at night and my step children where all here for the summer so he went alone! If all my kids where here including my step kids they would tell you that when I hung that phone up after talking to the doctor I was hysterical and couldn’t stop shaking to even get dressed. Talk about FEAR!! My parents were called and off we went to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning. 

Surgery to remove this mass was 2 days later and that was extremely scary but he made it!  Then on to pathology results………Stage 4 brain cancer better known as Glioblastoma!!!! Never heard of it and didn’t want to hear of it again!! I wanted to go home, let him recovery, get through therapy and let that be it!!! Like in my mind a high five to God was doable, thanks for waking us up and showing us that life is precious and so is MARRIAGE!!!!! Oh but that wasn’t God’s plan!!! We went through the radiation and chemo together.  I researched and studied this cancer and we lived each day after that as if it was our last together.  My husband was given 15 months to live!

God gave my husband and I 18 months before this ugly tumor showed up again! We did what the doctors suggested after seeing some from John’s Hopkins and here locally! Second surgery was schedule and we spent our 1st Valentine’s Day in the hospital recovering! The risk were higher with the second surgery so the chances of him speaking to me was slim due to the location of his tumor which was on his speech and motor skill side! Each time they go in with this type of tumor they aren’t able to get all of it because it grows little tentacles around other areas in the brain which is why they use the radiation to kill what’s left.  After this surgery chemo was available but not radiation! So we were off to Christiana hospital for a trial drug that my husband didn’t want to do! So we prayed for healing, he was anointed with oil!! Every appointment and MRI we were praying for healing!! Less than 6 months later my husband was back to work and doing his best at a career he loved dearly, but he would come home throughout the day and tell me different things that were happening, I was concerned and always called the doctor and we would do another MRI or if one was coming up so we would wait.  In September we went back to Johns Hopkins and I was told everything looked great it’s just scar tissue pressing against things in the brain maybe we should consider taking some of it out if it continues to get worse! I never believed what they said for a minute but they were good doctors so I just accepted it!  By November I was on the phone again demanding help that something was wrong!! MRI was done and I’ll never forget hearing the doctor’s voice on my cell phone, the tumor was back and they wanted to see him the next day to prepare him for surgery! My husband and I cried in my den floor, I called my parents and we prayed!! My husband was not as willing to get the surgery this time he was tired of fighting! He finally made the decision to try one more time, with huge risks this time that gripped me with unbelievable fear! The tumor had grown under that scar tissue since Sept and they are very aggressive tumors.

I just knew he would never walk again and might not know who I am! Our surgeon was so concerned that she spoke with us one more time before they rolled him away to operating room and I cried like a baby to her!! That Surgeon was prayed for a lot! My husband made it through that surgery and was home for the best Christmas ever!! In January he had a repeat MRI done and that phone call was the end for me, the tumor was back and had doubled its size from just 4 weeks ago!! Through our news of hearing I had less than 6 weeks before my husband would be gone, the Facebook page #Salvasstrong was created! I wanted to make as many memories for our family as possible. I had no idea what was going to happen or even how we would survive with both of us not working. So we prayed.

Throughout many of our prayers together privately my husband would reminded me that sometimes God says NO!! He would be so strong in front of others but would be so weak when we were alone! Seeing my husband scared truly broke my heart! He also would say to me and has also said in the past when asked why him, his response would be why not me? I really struggled with that.  Why him? Why me? Why my marriage? Why do my kids have to suffer watching their Dad be sick and have a death sentence? Why am I in this funeral home preplanning his arrangements? What happened to OUR plan? I mean didn’t God get the memo!

My prayers were more intense with God, and I would really tell him my true feelings sometimes I found myself not praying because if God really cared He would heal my marriage, He would heal my husband and let me have the life that I wanted back!  I mean my husband and I had a plan and he was going to retire from the state police 6 months prior to his diagnosis and he was going to work in D.C and I was going back to school! I mean for the first time we were going to be able to have some extra money!! Why would God want to do this to us? What did I do? Why am I being punished? Well I don’t have the answers for all those questions, I wish I did! But what I do know is this, the miracles that we prayed for came in a different ways then what we wanted them to! We always want the nice ones that are easy to see!

God’s chose to take my husband home with him on August the 18th 2015! I miss him every single day, but I know he is healed and much happier! I know this because I prayed for a sign a few months ago and I got it that very night, and although it hurt it was exactly what I needed to know! In my dream my husband reached out for my hand and held it, he looked at me and told me he loved me (pause) but that he wouldn’t come back even if he could! WOW, that’s how wonderful it is in heaven!! That doesn’t change the fact that I miss him and wish I could go pick him up take him to get a his favorite donut and a cherry coke and take him back home!! But knowing he is ok and happy gave me peace and comfort. Now I’ve been blessed to have had more little things like that happen when I have had really bad days! I thank God each time cause I need them.

About 2 months ago when I was trying to really get my story together I was coming up with nothing, I spoke to Kim one morning at the gym and said I can’t do this I have nothing to share!! As always she encouraged me and reassured me that I got this! I had some classes that afternoon so while I was getting ready the house was empty and my mind was flooded with the majority of what I’ve already said here today. It was so intense that I had to go find my notebook and a pen so I could write, so I put the makeup down and did just that. Then I would go back to getting ready again and I would have to pause to write some more notes.  While this was happening I was talking to God and I said God Why? Why me, why did you choose this path for me? Now I’ve heard from God before but nothing like this, it was as if he was in front of me holding my hands, his response was Why not you…LOOK AT WHAT I DID TO MY SON!! LOOK AT HIS PATH THAT WAS CHOSEN FOR HIM! I cried and thought how selfish am I! We all know that Jesus suffered a horrible death for our SINS!! He was born to die, with his mother watching him suffer to the end!!! I pray that we all remember that when we get so hung up on the why’s?? It won’t take them away but it should give you some peace.

So as I close let’s take a look at my miracles that are hard to see when you’re going through the eye of the storm.

Job 9:10 States: He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

Psalms 77:13.14 States: Your ways, O God, are holy (think about that his ways are holy no matter how bad they seem to us or how bad the pain is his ways are always holy) What god is so great as our God? (14) You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

My list of miracles that came out of this situation hasn’t been easy for me to see!  As hard as it is to say my marriage was healed by this diagnosis. My husband was too proud and apologies weren’t his thing, and I was hurt and had a wall up! I was in survival mode!  There were walls broken down, love and compassion shown and apologies said between us both that would have never happened if we weren’t placed in that situation.  We were able to not take each other for granted which is so easy to do. My husband was also given 3 years and 1 month instead of the 15 months that we were told, he also got an extra 6 months instead of 6 weeks!!!

The Facebook page raised enough money for a weeklong trip to Florida at a resort where we were able to swim with manatees, eat dinner with the princesses and make some awesome memories.  Just through that #Salvasstrong page I could spend an hour on the miracles that poured in from people all over that didn’t know us.  My husband had a love for bald eagles, through our facebook page a gentleman heard our story wanted to help with the trip also learned of my husband love for bald eagles and he helped us have one brought to our home for him to see and get close with! Talk about an amazing sight I mean who has a Bald Eagle in your living room!! He was so happy and surprised.

Another huge miracle for us was that the money that came in assisted us with his medicine and bills so that we were able to keep everything going and I was able to care for him at home!! That was a HUGE blessing!! I was able to do things with my husband that he wanted to do while he could and not worry about bills not being paid.  Another very special moment when those donations were being left people would leave messages that I would read to my husband which gave him lots of love and support from strangers!! I also was able to get in touch with others that had gone through this with their spouse! Another miracle was when Chuck had to be transported to Deer’s Head due to rapid decline that was so sudden and fast. The doctors needed to reevaluate a plan for him and keep him for a few days. For him to come home I would need a wheel chair, a wheel chair ramp, and a hospital bed!! That was on a Friday, his birthday was the very next day and I wanted him to be home!!! I made it very clear that he needed to come home to all the staff and I know they thought I was crazy!  I remember the social worker seeing my pain and saying let me see what I can do! I also remember looking at my dear friend Kim and saying I want him home, and her response was ok what do we need to do? I said I need a ramp, she said I can handle that and that ramp was built that weekend and my husband was transported back home that afternoon with a hospital bed already set up in my house!

God is good, he spent his last birthday on earth at home and was surrounded by friends and family!  I was able to show my husband unconditional love that he never thought was possible this side of heaven, and he would say that to me!  I was able to read a letter that he wrote me on our last anniversary together that stated “ I now know what unconditional love feels like! "

Each and every day that I bathed him, pulled on him and feed him through lots of nights with little to no sleep! I protected to him to best of my ability! I prayed with him and read to him, I even sang to him!! I thank god for every moment we had those were miracles! Every word that was able to be spoken was a miracle! Hearing that he would miss me the most one day when we were struggling to get out of the wheelchair was a miracle, because if you recall from earlier my husband should have lost his speech after the second surgery and he didn’t!

After the third surgery he should have never spoke again and should have lost use of his right side. Well he spoke right when he woke up after that surgery and asked for his wife!!! He walked for months after the final surgery!! Those are miracles!!! Hearing him sing (he was good at singing) one more time in church was a miracle. Having family and friends stay the night so I could rest expecting nothing in return was a miracle! Lastly a miracle that I prayed for months after hospice told me that I would more than likely miss him passing away, I was there by his side until his last breath, holding his hand and reassuring him that I was there! God carried that prayer request from me even further and allowed some close family and friends to be there as well, as well Kamryn our daughter together and my oldest Kayla who really showed her love for her step-father by assisting me with his daily care. Those are miracles!!! Thank you ladies and I pray that we all look a little closer for those miracles!! God still performs them!!!!

 *****

Words  - Isaac Wimberely

If there are words for him then I don’t have them…you see my brain has not yet reached a point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God!

And my lungs have not built up enough ability to release a breath with enough agility to breathe out the greatness of his love, and my voice you see my voice is so inhibited restrained by human limits that it’s hard to even send a praise up, you see if there are words for him then I don’t have them.

My God his grace is remarkable, mercies are innumerable, strength impenetrable, he is honorable, accountable, favorable, he’s searchable yet knowable, indefinable yet approachable, indescribable, yet personal, he is beyond all comprehension, further than imagination, constant through generation, king of every nation, but if there are words for him  that I don’t have them.

You see my words are few and to try and capture the one true God using my vocabulary would never do! But I use words as an expression of worship to a savior, a savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise so I use words. My heart bestows the lord blesses his name forever he has won my heart captured my mind and has bound them both together. He defeated me in my rebellion conquered me in my sin, he has welcomed me into his presence, completely invited me in.  He has made himself the object of my sight flooded with mercies in the morning drowned me with grace in the night, but if there are words for him then I don’t have them.

But what I do have is good news for my God knew that man-made words would never do, for words are just tools that we use to point to the truth so he sent his son Jesus Christ as thee word living proof he is the imagine of the invisible God, first born of all creation for by him all things are created giving nothingness formation.

By his word sustains in the power of his name for all things and over all things he reigns holy is his name!!

So praise him for his life the way he preserved in strife the humble son of god, becoming the perfect sacrifice. Praise him for his death that he willing stood in our place that he loving endures the grave that he bowed our enemy and on the third day rose in VICTORY!!!!

He is everything that was promised. Praise him as a RISEN KING!! Left your voice and sing for one day he will return for us and we will finally be united with our savior for ETERNITY!!!

SO it’s just words that I proclaim for my words point to thee words and thee word has name. HOPE has a name. JOY has a name. PEACE has a name. LOVE has a name. BROKENESS has a name. FORGIVENESS has a name. AND THAT NAME IS JESUS CHRIST PRAISE HIS NAME FOREVER!!!

Break The Silence

Sorry for the delay, but this mama's been on vacation with my family!
But I'm back and have so much to share with you all.

As promised, though, I'm starting off with a few of the stories from the Women's Conference I attended a few weeks ago, Women of Purpose - Freedom in Truth.

I have shared some of Danielle's story on here before, but this will give you a much better understanding of who she is, what she has overcome, and how God is using her to help others.

I want to preface this by saying the song Ocean's (where my feet fail) was played prior to her speaking.  You can hear that song HERE!

*****
Good morning everyone, my name is Danielle.  It took a lot of prayers, tears, and fighting thru fear to get here but I’m here today because I’m supposed to be here.
My devotion this morning, so relates to part of this speech...that I had to add it in to share…

(“I am speaking to you more often than you realize” Are you listening? Really listening? I’m speaking to you more often than you realize. Those faint impressions, those deep knowings, those times scriptures seem to jump off the page, those small details of nature that catch your eye. I am speaking to you in and through many things. I am hoping you’ll speak back to My heart. I desire a holy conversation with you. Start watching. Start listening. Start waiting. Start observing. Start discerning. You’ll soon become more sensitive to My ways of communicating.)  

Ephesians 2:10- For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
 
The song Oceans is where I feel I am right now. I am listening to where the spirit is leading me, I’m trusting without borders. Where he wants me to go, I’m going. He has made my faith stronger and has taken me deeper than my feet would have ever wondered! It’s pretty funny when you say you would never do something, but then you say okay God I’m committed to go where you want me to go,and things change. Well anyone who knows me would tell you I wouldn’t be standing up here today if it were on my own will. I don’t like to speak in front of a lot of people, I’m a lot more comfortable in small groups of people, and fear can definitely kick into high gear when I’m not comfortable.  

To be honest we have a really good life and sometimes being comfortable with what you have or are already doing is much easier than doing things you wouldn’t normally do. For me it wasn’t enough… I know what it feels like to be spirit lead now and have seen what He has done for our life and I am forever grateful. My life is committed to where He wants me to go. I may stumble and fail but as always He will pick me back up and gets me back on track.  He has already done that for me time and time again. It also means opening all up, letting walls down, taking whatever has been broken in me and letting go. If I am wanting to go where He wants me to go I’m going to have to share my story. I don’t even need to know the reason but if it helps just one person, even if that person is me, it’s worth it.

 Well, here I am and I’m still amazed at all the things He has been putting in my life. I’m here to share my story and the things that have gotten me here.
 
Life is not always easy…I grew up here in Pocomoke City, born and raised.  We didn’t grow up going to church, maybe a few weekends here and there or with a friend  - that was about it.  At about 9 my parents divorced and my sister and I lived with my mother and we spent every other weekend at my dad’s. It was tough not really understanding life at that age, not understanding why my parents weren’t together, only being with one parent most of the time, and sharing holidays. My parents didn’t get along at that time so there wasn’t much talk, we just went where we were told to go. I don’t remember a lot of my younger childhood; for me it was more like pieces of memories. There are moments and memories that were good and some that weren’t good at all.  
 
My step dad has been a part of our life for as long as I can remember. He is a good man who was there for our family, he helped raise us and we love him like a dad. But, like most of us, he was not perfect - he also was an alcoholic. Most of the time things were good, but there were times when the fights would come and the arguing would start ... that became pretty scary to witness.  I have sat in front of my mother while the yelling was going on, I had been kicked out of the house where I had to run to the neighbor for help, and we have all had to leave the house just to get away from it. As you can imagine, this would also cause more problems between my mom and dad and sometimes even our visits would not happen because there would be more fighting. My mom had had enough at some point and he was told he couldn’t come back to the house unless he stopped drinking altogether. The drinking did stop and he is still a part of our life today. Things changed a lot and He knows Jesus and now is a pastor at two churches. Our parents get along now and we are able to spend holidays all together. It’s just another blessing to see the growth and changes from all those years. 

Life is good…..but life can still be hard. We have considered ourselves Christians for a long time. We have attended church for the last 17 years, we love helping people, we love God, we believe what Gods Word says. But I didn’t feel like we were living life the way God wanted us to in several areas of our life. Things were changing, we were changing, friendships were changing, life was changing.  

It was about five years ago we sat down and decided we wanted to make changes in our life. We were being convicted of things that we felt like needed to change, some things just didn’t feel right anymore. I was reading Gods word more and if I wasn’t sure about something I would look up what the Bible had to say about it. That’s all it took for me to know we needed to make some changes not only for us but for our kids. We needed to not just tell our kids what Gods Word said we had to show them what following Gods Word looked like and I wanted to live my life that way. I believed what the Bible says, not just parts of the Bible that suited my life. I started studying the Bible and getting all the information on whatever particular area I would be struggling with at that time.  I wanted my kids to know what Gods Word says so they will have it in them, so they know there is a right and wrong that everything they witness and see in this world is not okay. Will they stumble?  Most likely yes.  Will they makes mistakes?  Absolutely.  Will they live their life just the way I hope?  Probably not….but if they know Gods Words and they see what God is doing in our life now, I pray their chances of living a better life at an earlier age than I did will be better.
Reading the Bible, reading my devotional’s every day has really helped me know God in a different way. I didn’t always get it. Sure I knew God was there, I could sense Gods presence during certain times, but I just didn’t hear Him the way I would hear other people say they could. I wanted that...I wanted to know my God more. 

Making that commitment to ourselves and God began a lot of changes that we didn’t quite expect. I found that sometimes being a Christian is harder than not. Sometimes it’s seems easier to just do whatever feels good,  It’s easy to get caught up in life and let things slide a little bit here and there. And before you know it, your right back to where you didn’t want to be and things that are happening really don’t make you happy like you once thought.
We weren’t doing the same things anymore and so the meant we were alone a lot. We spent a lot more time together as a family and looking back that was one of the best parts. They don’t stop growing and now I want to be a part of as much as their life as I can be. In that time we began to read the Bible more than we ever had and praying and relying on God’s word. At times I struggled hard, I am human, being lonely is hard, it's heart breaking watching everyone you were once close to go on without you being a part of it. You doubt yourself and your choices, you make mistakes, you try to fix things that can’t be fixed, you mess up and get back up again. 

Then a few months later, the end of January, my father was hospitalized. Two days later, around my birthday, he had surgery and was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to his liver. That was pretty terrifying in itself, the worst thoughts possible kept going thru my head. My own research on the odds of beating this cancer were not good. I was already struggling emotionally and this took my emotions to a whole new level. After they did surgery on him he had complications. They had to put tubes in him to drain things, feeding tube to feed him, and other things that kept him in there for several weeks. After he got out and starting getting his treatments it began to take its toll on him. He ended up losing his job, no insurance, and not old enough to retire. More stress and trying to figure it all out. Fighting back the sadness and fighting to hold on to the faith that somehow some way God was going to work this all out. My dad was tough and he was handling the chemo fairly well but we knew it was going to be along journey. We just took one day at a time.
It’s 5 years and 5 months later and my dad is still here with us and hanging on strong. He has done chemo most of these five years and has just finished up radiation. We have had some other hospital times and struggles but he has gotten thru them. I don’t know how long my dad will be with us but he has fought hard to still be here and we have become closer from it. I know he has Jesus in his heart and he’s going to be okay.
 
Then two years later that February, my husband went to work and came home to tell me he had been let go from his job. Just like that - 18 years at one place and he was let go. It didn’t matter how well his store numbers were, or how many stores he had been sent to too fix, or how many plaques he had that said he was a top store manager. They handed him his papers and said they no longer needed him.  Then a whole other set of worries came, more sadness, how are we going to pay our bills, we have no insurance with my job, how do you tell your kids all that’s going on and what has to happen to make things work all while trying to keep it together, and when you can’t keep it together telling them you are trusting God is going to work it all out it’s going to be hard, at times we are sad, and we are scared. You don’t know how or when or what all has to happen but it will be okay.  We were very honest with our kids.  Our lives had to change a lot to make it work.  He put in applications everywhere and only received two calls, both places offering him less than half of what he use to make, and awful hours. Lord how are we going to do this?!  We went thru every bill we had and started cutting. No more direct tv, no more date nights, movie nights, we got rid of some life insurance. We cut until we were at a place where we could make it work. 
God is always faithful! It’s on his time and maybe not the way we would always like but he helps us thru whatever it is always. We just need to stay faithful to him. About 7 months later Jeff was rehired at Food Lion and life was looking up again. It has been a struggle for sure. But the one constant has been my God. He has guided us and helped us get thru those struggles and we are better than we ever were before. 

And once more our faith grew stronger.
 
When I went to the women's conference in April, I kept being pulled to take this class that I really didn't want to go to. The class was human trafficking; it is something that it is not easy to hear about, watch, or a place that I personally just didn't want to go. I knew then that I was supposed to go to that session but I also knew that it was going to take me to a place I didn't want to go. I knew in my gut that day that this was the beginning of something. That Sunday after the conference I went up front to pray with someone and as I was walking back I felt that pull to go back up. So I grab Tammy and Kim and I asked them to wait, I needed to go back up, to please come back up with me. I just can’t describe the feeling but I knew I had to have prayers. Something was happening inside me that I still can’t describe. I wanted to be all in and I knew what that meant. I prayed and cried and just asked for guidance. I wanted to be open to do whatever is was that He wanted me to do no matter what it was.

He made it clear that I had to completely let go of my past mistakes, my past hurts, and I had to live in the here and now so I could heal from it all before I could go where He wanted me to go. 

When I was about 11 I met a family with three small kids at a picnic. She was a stay at home mom that had her hands full. I was around kids all the time since my mom had a daycare and would babysit on the side. At the end of that day she asked if I would be interested in helping babysit the kids and help with the house work. She couldn’t pay a lot but could really use the help. The kids were great and I liked the idea of making money and to be honest as a kid I’d rather be anywhere than to stay at home so I said sure. I ended up helping her a lot that summer and she became pregnant with her 4th child so I would help her out on the weekends once school got back in. I actually enjoyed being away from my own house and the family treated me like their family. You see, our family wasn’t a close family. I knew they loved me but they didn’t really express or show love. As long as I got good grades, and didn’t get in trouble, there wasn’t a lot of talking. After some time it became more like just going to hang out with the family for the weekend - they would still pay me, but they also allowed me to do whatever I wanted. She actually became more like an older sister and we talked and hung out more than anything. I don’t know why or even
how it started, but I was told they didn’t mind if I wanted to smoke cigarettes, to help myself to theirs. Then I was offered pot to smoke with them and then came the alcohol. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many weekends that I pretty much was wasted. I don’t know why I did it, I can guess and say the sadness from my parent’s divorce, the drinking that I saw at my own home, just to not have to think about life at that moment or just being a kid. I really don’t know the answers, I just did it. 
 
Then things really changed.
The father molested me. 

I would be high and or drunk or both I could hardly function. Things were so out of control in my head and I would be so hung over the next day I think I convinced myself it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, he never touched me that way when I was clear headed. Was it real or was I dreaming??? Surely if it was real the wife would notice something, I would notice something during the daytime. This went on for a while. Eventually l just wouldn’t drink anymore and I began to make excuses to not go there anymore until I just walked away completely. 

He never physically hurt me but mentally what he did really messed with my head.

I knew how it made me feel but how could I tell anyone about something that makes you feel so dirty and shameful. Our family wasn’t a family that talked about anything sexual or a lot about anything really. Instead I took the blame that I let it happen, and I would take that dirty, shameful secret to the grave with me and nobody had to know.
 
Then it happened.

A year or so later I was called to court because he was arrested for sexually abusing his niece, and because I had been in their life, I needed to be questioned. 

Terrified, embarrassed, ashamed...
What would kids at school think?
What would my family think? 
Will people blame me?

So many things went thru my mind.  

So I lied.
The one thing that I have a huge problem with till this day is lying.
And I did just that. 

I said he had never done anything to me. I had to go to court in case they wanted to put me on the stand but I never was asked to. He ended up going to jail that day. Relived that I didn’t have to say anything and he still went to jail, I thought he got what he deserved, but it made it all that much more real. It really did happen, and not just to me. 

It’s over now and he’s been punished.  
I didn't have to say anything...or so I thought.
 
Things like that don’t just go away. 
It’s always there - you see something, you hear a story - it affects you. 

I did eventually tell my husband.  I really had to because sometimes I would react to things or something would emotionally affect me that he just didn’t understand why or what was going on in my head. Especially when we started having kids and I would hear something or freak out about things that he thought I was over reacting to. Talk about fears…how do you tell something like that to someone and expect them not to think differently of you. 

You trust.

And afterwards, he loved me just the same.  

Years went by.  In 2007, I read that the lady I once babysat for was brutally murdered. She was taken in to the woods where she was going to trade sex for money and drugs and was killed. Again, the memories of it all came back. She had four children that I knew nothing about anymore or even where they were. Then I saw the article her one daughter had written up about the incident. She didn’t live around here so I reached out to her by email. I wanted to tell her I had heard about her mother and I was so sorry to hear what had happened. That I use to babysit for them and I had some pictures of her and her siblings if she wanted them I would send them to her. One of the houses they lived in burned down so I knew a lot of their memories were lost. It was then thru emails that she started asking questions and informed me that her dad had sexually abused her and her sister as well and that I must have been one of the lucky ones if he had not done it to me.
The thoughts that ran in my head were overwhelming. I wanted to ask her questions, like when it happened to her, was it before or after he was sent to jail, was she okay but I couldn’t. The shame, regret, pain for her and fear struck me all over again. I didn’t have words to say back. I sent the pictures and ended the email with how sorry I was. 

As long as it has been, as many times as I have given it to God, I’ve asked for forgiveness, I’ve laid it at the cross. I’ve thanked God that is wasn’t worse than it was. There were things that I would see or hear that would upset me all over again, or would trigger thoughts that would take me back. It wasn’t till recently that I realized I still carried guilt. What he did was not okay but that wasn’t what kept bothering me. It was my guilt of not telling the truth, the guilt that maybe if I had testified against him he would have been in jail longer than what he was, the guilt for not speaking up again when she said he had done it to her. For my mistake, for my lie that maybe could have helped the other ones he did it to.  

I hadn’t forgiven myself.
 
The Truth is my Father God has forgiven me, He sent His Son to pay for my sins.  I have asked for forgiveness. I do know that it was not my fault. I didn’t ask for it to happen and I was a child taken advantage of. I can’t change the past, but now maybe I can help others.

  
So that is just what I’m going to do. 
Help others and go where He wants me to go. He certainly made it clear that I was to speak at this conference and He wants me to get involved with the Human Trafficking. 

I had honestly never heard about it being here in the US, in our own state. 
It’s real, it’s here, and it’s scary. 
My children’s ages are the prime ages it’s happening to. 
After first hearing the speaker that day on Human Trafficking I saw it every day. I started looking things up to get more information but then I saw a thing on the news that they were shutting down a website known to be used for human trafficking.  I saw posts on face book about it from Natalie Grant helping with it, Ashley Judd named ambassador for Polaris project for human trafficking, the baseball player Adam LaRoche was helping rescue sex slaves by going undercover, and just recently 9 people in Ocean City, Maryland were arrested for human trafficking and prostitution investigation. 

Here are some facts I’ve learned about it…
The average age of a young woman being trafficked is 12–14 years old.
There are an estimated 27 million slaves in the world today. That’s the highest recorded number of slaves in history!
Human trafficking has been identified as the largest human rights violation in the history of mankind
Human trafficking is the second largest criminal enterprise in the world, after drug smuggling and arms dealing.
Drug dealers are going into trafficking because for one they can make just as much money and if they get caught sex trafficking its misdemeanor, whereas drug dealing is a felony.
The United States is one of the top three destination points for trafficked victims. California, New York, Texas and Nevada are the top destination states within the country.
Unfortunately there isn't a lot of help for these women a lot of them go to jail for prostitution, stealing etc. because human trafficking is hard to prove and our laws need to be changed. The fear they have in them stops them for testifying against the person doing this to them so they go to jail instead.
They are getting kids from the internet; they find kids who aren’t happy at home and make promises to give them a better life. 
There have been kids who were drugged and just taken. 
It’s happening at truck stops, the super bowls, some family members are doing it to their own kids.
It was everywhere I looked. 
Not only that, the scriptures and the quotes that kept coming up was amazing. I wanted to hear from God more and know that’s where I was supposed to go and He was showing me everywhere. 

Isaiah 41:13-For I hold you by your right hand- I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.

Quote from Joyce Meyers- She asked God how can you stand to see all that goes on in the world and do nothing? The response was “I work through people, I am waiting for my people to rise up and do something.”
 
Matthew 25:35-36- Trust God to show you how you can meet the practical needs of His people so they can be open to receiving his Love.
 
If you can only relieve someone’s pain one time for 1 hour, feed one person for one day, help one person get back on their feet…is it still worth doing… I knew the answer to that one from our experience in Guatemala… it is worth it!
 
Deuteronomy 31-6- Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you.
 
Trust in Him- Has God planted an idea or a desire in your heart to help others in a specific way? Trust that whatever you can do is worth doing. Don’t let the magnitude of the problem overwhelm you. God with show you what you can do- trust Him when He says it makes a difference. 

Getting involved with the human trafficking made me feel very overwhelmed made me question how I could help.  What can we do? We can care, we can inform, we can pray, and we can take action. We can support ministries and organizations that are helping others.
As scary as all of this has been, speaking at this conference, and getting involved with human trafficking, I finally got it. I understood how much He talks to us in so many ways if we are willing to listen… and I loved it. 

I was committed to this and I was committed to help with human trafficking. Now I had to find out how and where I could help. I couldn’t find anything around here that was established or that dealt with human trafficking. That is when I contacted the speaker from the women’s conference who works with Samaritan Women’s House in Baltimore.  They are doing the best they can do to help these women get back on their feet. It’s a long term residential and therapeutic program for victims of human trafficking. The program is 2 or more years investing in the women academically, vocationally, spiritually, socially, and in self care. The problem is there is no money or grants to help with human trafficking so they rely on donations and help from volunteers. 
 
I am happy to say that with a lot of praying, people willing to help, and Gods help - I have been able to collect donations and supplies for them. I have a team of 15 going with me in July to help work at the house with their maintenance needs for the day. I also have their prayer banner that I am still in need of prayer leaves to be filled out. I have them with me today if you would like to fill one out. At this time they have 10 women and they have collected the leaves as they come and want to keep collecting them to make a collage for them as a reminder that there are people out there that care. My goal for now is to be involved with helping them whenever I can and to keep getting educated on what can be done, where we can make a change, how we can help here right where we live.
 
The Bayside movement is something we like to say at our church. I looked up what movement meant.  The definition that struck me was a series of actions and events taking place over a period of time and working to foster principal or policy or an organized effort by supporters of a common goal. 

That’s what we pray for, that’s what we feel is happening with all these great things going on.
 
I just want to encourage you if you aren’t plugged into anything already and something in your heart is pulling you in a direction where you want to help. Pray about it, listen to where your heart is telling you to go. It will take you places you never expected. It is definitely taking me out of my comfort zone and pulled me away out of my box. I am choosing to go where God is taking me and it has been scary, I even thought no at first, I've cried, but with the support of friends and prayers, I choose to Trust Him. Together we can make a difference. I asked for your prayers, your support, and your help to make these things happen. 

The change in us starts with us. We have to examine ourselves and ask God to show us what we need to change about ourselves first. Becoming the Christian I am today didn’t happen all at once. It definitely was a process to get to where I am today. I pray that I stay on track and continue to grow and continue to change. If we are to become more like Christ then our lives can’t stay the same they should be forever changing. I know how hard it is to trust, to be hurt, to be disappointed, to put up wall, and to have fear…but I also have learned that when we trust God he will pull me thru it, whatever it is. I tend to love hard to the ones that I feel close to but I also put up walls fast when I’m hurt. I have also learned that you can’t keep walls up thinking you're protecting yourself from hurt, because in the end, you aren’t just keeping things out - your keeping some other great things from coming in your life. Lean on God, read his words, and pray about everything. Then listen and wait for answers. I know how my life was before I allowed Christ in and I know how it is with him. 

I will take now any day. 
 
This is my life now and it is my beautiful life. My prayer for all of you is to let down those walls, open up your hearts, let go of those fears, and begin healing. Build your relationship with God so he can fill your life with all your needs.
*****  

A picture of Danielle and her team from their first day helping at The Samaritan Women House!